what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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