all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
