he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
