i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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