break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
this boner is exhausting
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
