if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
either way he was missing a nipple.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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