I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
