the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
