We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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