This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
