My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
