meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
