Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
