My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
sex in a hospital.. check
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
