I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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