if i died would you start the facebook group?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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