I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
