hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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