I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
