the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I stole a fireplace last night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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