I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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