I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
