we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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