State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
