Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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