a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
