Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
