My room smells like vodka and shame
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
