I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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