Your mouth is God's brothel.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
