i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
