I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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