So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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