I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
