Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
