I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
