You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
