dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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