Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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