Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
