ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
