Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
