in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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