I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
