dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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