i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
