Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
