Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
