I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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