I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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